Spirit Tracks

Hey Paul,


There are days when i am lost within the bubble of everyday life and perception. A day turns into a block of tv shows, meals and routines. Existance without substistent substance. It is only when i take myself out of this bubble, that i realize how much time has passed. 5 years can feel like 5 months when nothing changes. If you want to slow time, do nothing at all. You can turn 20 minutes into an hour by staring at a wall. But time has worth, much like everything we have- the phrase "time well spent" implies I bought something. Like many have commented upon before, we spend time, much like any limited resource. If I have this currency of value, my time, I want something out of it. We go on vacations, go see movies, visit our families, go for walks and hikes all to serve our need to fill our time with something of value to us. When we will fill our lives to the fullest, time has a tendency to speed up. I find that when I am able to accomplish everything i want in one day, I often wonder where the rest of the day went.

I want to leave some tracks behind. I want to be able to look back and see every place I have set foot. I want a sense of fullfillment from a life well spent. These past months, as I watch my son grow from a new born to an 11 month old, I can see some tracks. There are days I am worn to the bone, ramshackled to my bed in a whispery heap. There are frustrations that blend my mind into racing thouughts that keep me sleepless. I watch as my friends I used to hang with mold successful careers sprinkled with new toys and world travels. I feel my footprint is so small in comparison. I have no career, nothing that screams my outwardly success to others. I live in a small house, drive the same car i drove almost 10 years ago. Yet, I feel like i have grown inside, in a way I could never appreciate before. My son has given me complete selflessness. Bug, when i close my eyes, I see our spirit tracks lining the floor where i saw you first stand up. I see our tracks around the kitchen where we make complete messes and find new adventures in the form of carrots, green beans and pears. We leave them everywhere we go, on every expression you give. When you smile at me I feel successful, if just in that moment. You are my joy. I love you.