an introduction, a welcome. a confession, an open letter

I welcome myself, my internal audience, to this blog. An outlet.

A few things before we begin- spelling errors are sure to sprinkle the text, treasure them. I am writing this for myself in hopes of self help, healing and understanding. I hope i am able to find whatever I am looking for.

It is cold here, my fingers are numb at the tips as i clack the keys on my wife's aging laptop. She is a school teacher, 1st grade 3rd year. During the day I watch our 11 month old son, bug,- as i call him. it is journey that has given me great insights, joy and anxiety. Bug is the center of my world, he is every hope i dream every happiness i feel. I have no blood relatives, so he is the closest I will ever see of my birth family. I have these feelings,of cloud that storms to a bright morning. A depression perhaps, or a lull.

There are days when I dont leave a single room of the house. I have created a nest of sorts with everything i need to get me through the day within arms reach. Bottles, mum mums, diapers, wipes, food. This has happened as a consequence of an anxiety attack i suffered. I remember feeling as if i couldnt breath, my heart racing- pounding in my ear. I feel a sharp tinge in my belly as grab my wife in panic. She tries to calm me down, as I repeat "I dont feel well" over and over. A terrifying experience. One that i am all too familiar with. While i was in college, i suffered my first panic attack after staying up all night finishing a history paper. I was on the bus to school, when i realized my hands were tingling. I tried to slow my racing heart with breathing, which only made things worse. I ended up being taken by ambulance to the hospital after I scared the bus driver with my panic. Once I arrived and was met with a curiously long haired middle aged doctor, I was told to hold my breath. After seven minutes of holding my breath-with some looks of amazement and the off comments about being a swimmer by the nurse- they told me to exhale. I was asked by the doctor- "What is your major?"
"History" I replied slumping into the reclined hospital bed.
"You know what they say about history?" "Those who don't learn it, are doomed to repeat it."
The doctor shrugged me off to attend more important and pressing issues. I had no one to pick me up, I didnt want friends to know what had happened. Later, I saw the doctor as i was leaving to be picked up by a school taxi. I waved and smiled, he looked away and continued on. Looking back, I dont know what i find more odd, the fact that I waved and smiled or his utter dismissal of me.

So, here I am repeating history. I have anxiety every day. Every day i think my heart is racing too fast,and my hands get cold. I find that I worry about everything. I feel that fear is controlling so much of my life. I hardly go anywhere anymore. The times I go out, to the grocery store or for eating out I am met with crippling embarassing panic attacks. The thought of leaving the house is met with anxiety. It is no way to live. I have been offered help by a family member in the form of anti anxiety medication. Part of me wants an easy to swallow pill to fix whatever imbalance i am dealing with. Another part, a stronger/stuborn part, tells me to conquor this and learn on my own.

I feel pathetic. I feel as if my wife views me as this pathetic lathargic man who is too scared to leave his own home. Fortunetly these are only my projections of feelings upon her. She has never judged me, whether its my steady weight gain (from a thin college boyfriend to an overweight husband) to my anxiety. She has always been there. I wish my own insecurities didnt cover my perception of her love for me.

There is so much i want to say, so much i want to let out. I hope this outlet helps me, if only for the moments i clack the keys. Since I have noone to talk to, blog, you will be my constant companion. I had a grandfather I never knew, who died months after i was born, named Paul. From this point forward I will be writing to you, lonely blog, as Paul. Its good to hear from you again.